Several years ago, my sister gave me a copy of Impossible to Please by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender. She said it was for my wife, and the book was about how to deal with the controlling perfectionists in our lives.
She also said I might benefit from an impartial description of — get this — me.
Ouch.
Okay, so I only had two standards: perfect and unacceptable. I acknowledged that there was more than one way to accomplish a task… my way and the wrong way. That didn’t make me a bad person, did it?
It’s not like I imposed my unreasonably high standards on my family or people at work. After all, I’ve always said, “Don’t let perfection get in the way of good enough.” And I talked plenty about building a culture where failures are learning experiences and not short-cuts to the unemployment line and of embracing our own failures as steppingstones on the road to self-improvement. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Other people’s failures, of course.
So what’s the problem with having unreasonably high standards?
The problem is that is makes us damned hard to work for. And guess what, as leaders it’s not about us; it’s about them. We never get the best from people when we bully them — yes, perfectionists bully, even if that’s not their intent.
Perfectionists notice only what’s wrong and not what’s right. But if our feedback style doesn’t include some encouragement about the good while we’re delivering the bad and the ugly, we stop seeing the good at all. And we stop getting the best out of our team.
As an example, it used to be a gold-star day when someone got a report past me without needing some re-work. Did that motivate them to try their best? Only initially, but when they learned their best would never been good enough, they started sending me crap knowing I’d put the effort into polishing the turd. Hardly the practice of a high-performing team.
Perfectionists are inflexible, resistant to change, and stubborn about having it done our way. Nothing wrong with that, since our way is the best, right?
I can assure you that when we aren’t willing to let others do a task less perfectly than we would do it ourselves, we end up pretty much doing everything ourselves anyway. Then we complain about being overworked, underappreciated, and short on the time and energy we need to be spending as leaders.
As my mother would say, “You kinda brought that on yourself, didn’t you?”
With a tip of the hat to Maya Angelou, “…people will never forget how you made them feel.” Perfectionist bosses make others feel like they can’t do anything right. Hardly the legacy I wanted to leave as a leader, but what was I to do? ‘Good enough’ is the last thing I wanted to be remembered as.
Oh, that’s right… it wasn’t about me; it was about them.
The good news: it’s simple to change. The bad news: it’s not that easy to make the change stick.
First, like any good twelve-step program, admit you’re a perfectionist and it’s a problem. And probably a controlling perfectionist at that. Admit that you’re holding others to a standard that you yourself can’t meet, and in the process you’re holding the organization hostage by not letting others be acceptably successful.
The second step simply requires you to reframe success. Is perfection success? Probably. What about excellent? How about fully compliant and on time? What if your email gets the message delivered effectively but is missing a comma? Can you see where I’m going with that?
That’s it. That’s all it took for me. No more mining for Unobtanium.
(Okay, like anyone in recovery, I’m a work in progress.)
Make sure people know what success looks like, and when they get there, let them know it! Set clear and reasonable (achievable) expectations for them — and yourself — and celebrate when they’re met.
That doesn’t mean settling for good enough; by all means, shoot for the stars, make continuous improvements and set audacious goals. Just make sure you’ve effectively communicated what success looks like and be happy when you get there.
You know who I’m talking about, too. Those people who just never seem happy; who always see the negative even when the message is positive; who suspect ulterior motives regardless of act. They are the literal “pain in your neck.”
Personally, I could recommend you just whack ‘em. That’ll please a lot of people working nearby, and you’d be surprised at the immediate effect that would have on other malcontents in the organization.
But then, we wouldn’t need this article, so here we are. You’re stuck with them, or keeping them for some reason, or simply want to help them emerge from their dark hole.
Here are some ways you can deal with these sourpusses:
What attitude? Typically, when you try to address an “attitude,” you get a blank, puzzled stare, and some horse hockey about they “have no idea what you’re talking about.” So, let’s get specific.
Frankly, it’s not the attitude; it’s the observable behavior that’s a problem.
“Sue, I hear you comment or complain every time we roll out a new initiative. Frankly, I want it to stop. Now. Keep it to yourself or go speak with your supervisor. No more vocal whining to others.”
You get the idea. You can determine–and explicitly state–what is and isn’t acceptable in your organization (obvious exceptions to this are harassment, retaliation, SOX disclosures, etc.).
The idea here is not overt heavy-handedness, it’s making sure the workforce isn’t subjected to a constant complainer’s rants.
Proselytizing may help. Try to convert them to your way of thinking. Be direct in your comments and explain why it’s in their best interest to become more positive. Let these folks know that their perceived attitudes (demonstrable, of course) are noticed by others, and certainly affect their ability to succeed in the organization.
In other words, explain the WIIFM: “What’s in it for me.”
“Janet, I want you to be more positive in your interactions with others. Your negativity is noticeable and not much fun to be around. I want to help, so let’s discuss.”
Sometimes, the “next step” may be necessary. “Bill, I need you to behave more positively—in fact, it’s necessary if you want to continue to work here. Smile a bit, be pleasant when asked for help, respond to ‘hellos’ and ‘good mornings.’”
Zero tolerance is the rule. They are called “non-negotiables.”
When you decide to change a malcontent to something more positive, be specific as mentioned above, and then be prepared: you must address each and every “slip” or transgression that deviates from your discussion.
Every single instance.
No letting up, no “letting it slide.” If you do, each time it occurs you’ve “reset” the entire change process. There can be no turning back. If they do well for three weeks then have a relapse, you simply cannot think “well, they’ve done well up until now—let’s see how it plays out.” No, you’ve got to address it.
Immediately.
No try, only do. Master Yoda was right – there’s no credit for saying “I’ll try,” or “make every effort.” There’s only credit for actually doing.
You need a firm commitment from this yahoo that s/he will take immediate, positive action to correct this unacceptable behavior – not that they’ll “do their best to be more positive,” in some vague indeterminate sense.
Make it crystal clear that this is not some esoteric “hope you can do better;” it’s a must-have, a condition for future advancement, opportunities, and yes, maybe even continued employment.
Close ain’t good enough (pardon the grammar transgression, mom). To continue the thinking from 3 & 4 above, this isn’t hand grenades or horseshoes.
Even when this person is trying, you must be diligent. They’ve got to nail it down correctly. Coming close, even if well-intentioned, won’t work here.
Remember, you could have simply tolerated the behavior as we had been doing; you chose, instead, to attempt to change it.
You must stay the course, and you must be crystal clear.
Close isn’t good enough.
Inspect what you expect. Follow-up, diligently and repeatedly.
This person needs to know that you aren’t simply “having a nice discussion.” We are discussing performance-related behaviors, we expect them to change to reach an acceptable standard, and we intend–as with any good performance management effort–to follow-up to ensure those changes are implemented.
In other words, “I’ll be watching…”
This is important, for a couple of reasons: First, this employee needs to know – really, personally understand – that your expectations are for immediate, positive performance improvement.
No better way to demonstrate that than being around to see it.
Second, you may actually “catch them” doing something right, in which case, that’s a super time for a little positive reinforcement (see proselytizing above).
Never let ‘em see you sweat. Don’t get mad, upset, frustrated or annoyed. Treat as you would any other aspect of an employee’s performance.
You’ve done nothing wrong—don’t feel bad or guilty, and never assume ownership of someone’s employment conditions when they have the power to change and control those conditions.
Remember, this too shall pass.
Malcontents generally know they aren’t the most pleasant people in the world; they typically, however, feel somewhat justified in their actions, and certainly don’t always realize the extent of their behavior.
And those who do generally succeed in being “difficult to talk to,” so their behavior goes unchecked.
So, don’t get mad, just make them change.
And remember that Grace and Accountability can coexist.
I’m watching every member of my immediate family go through a challenging workplace change. For some it’s a change in location, for one it’s a complete coworker migration, and for some it’s an unplanned change of employer.
For all of us it’s been a somewhat stressful time.
In every case, the root cause is the same: they suffer from crappy leadership.
In the Book of Ecclesiastes, King Soloman declares: “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”
So it is with leadership.
I’ve noticed Leadership Development trends go through the same cycles every aspect of business that is hypothesized, analyzed, and reimagined goes through. The Good Idea Fairy comes down and introduces a new way of thinking, doing, and communicating, and a few years later the nay-sayers get their turn to decry the waste of resources trying to do something different.
That could explain why some in senior leadership roles seem to think they’re above leadership development. They don’t participate in the development of others and certainly won’t willingly participate in their own. In both cases, leadership development efforts are wasted.
Nothing new under the sun.
To validate Kevin Berchelmann’s belief (which I share) that nothing much has changed about leadership in the past couple thousand years, I traveled back in time to see what the trends in effective leadership have been in the past. Here’s how some of those who have experienced effective leadership described them to me:
The BEST leaders are “trustworthy approachable, open to feedback, humble, good communicators, willing to help, team players;” they “listen, care, motivate and encourage, build rapport, give recognition, and follow up.”
It naturally follows that the WORST leaders are not… and don’t…
These were not new trends ten years ago, or a hundred years ago, or a thousand years ago. But these are just trends. Leaders do these things (or not), but they aren’t the essence of leading. The workplace will never stop changing, but leaders will always have to deal with human nature.
“Effective leaders take a personal interest in the long-term development of their employees, and they use tact and other social skills to encourage employees to achieve their best. It isn’t about being “nice” or “understanding”—it’s about tapping into individual motivations in the interest of furthering an organizationwide [sic] goal.”
By “recently,” I mean in 1961.
See, once you understand and embrace the belief that a leader’s role is to empower others to be more successful for the benefit of the organization, you can’t unknow it.
If you’re in a leadership position, it doesn’t matter that you were the best project manager, the best lawyer, the best nurse, the best widget maker, hell… even the best consultant in the whole world. It’s not about you anymore; it’s about them.
We have to be concerned about the well-being of our others. If they don’t believe we care, they’re not going to give us their discretionary effort, and we know that stressed out workers are less productive.
We need to have emotionally intelligent leadership skills: compassion, empathy, self-awareness, and effective communication. Contrary to popular belief, EI wasn’t invented by Daniel Goleman in 1995. And these are skills that will atrophy if not used.
We have to work to rebuild trust where it’s damaged or missing. Trust is often called the currency of leadership, and I can only describe the level of trust in many organizations as abysmal. To be trusted, a leader has to have competence, compassion, and integrity, and you have to give it before you get it.
We need to have – and communicate – a vision that keeps up with changes in the market sector and in the workplace. Maybe especially in the workplace, because work is something you do, not somewhere you go. Whether or not we subscribe to hybrid work, DEI (which is dead, by the way), or AI in the workplace, we can’t pretend our workforce isn’t thinking and talking about it.
That may seem like a lot of need to and have to, but no one – not even wise old King Soloman – ever said leading was easy.
If you need a quick check up on how to be the kind of leader Professor Prentice described, Kevin B. recently posted a piece that cuts through all the fluff to make it about them for the benefit of the organization. It’s worth the quick read.
Crappy leadership isn’t new. But it doesn’t have to be part of our future.
Leading a team, especially at senior levels, can feel like navigating a minefield. Every word and action is scrutinized, and the slightest misstep can make the 6 o’clock news.
Or a ubiquitous all-employee email.
You can control more of that than you may realize. Just be more intentional about what you’re doing.
Think first, act second. Repeat as often as necessary to drill it into that thick head we have attached atop our shoulders. Keep this simple, as in our article on Occam’s Razor. Some specifics:
Stay above the fray.
A hallmark of all truly successful leaders is their ability to be, well, different. In a good way. Don’t feel like you need to be involved in all things. You don’t, and there are many times where, simply, you shouldn’t.
Don’t allow someone to drag you down to a mud-fight, even if you know you’re right.
(1) Choose Words Carefully. As mentioned above, every word will be washed through myriad bullshit detectors, and many of those are intent on finding a misstep, a misspeak, or a simple mistake.
Choose those words carefully and provide your definitions for words or phrases that can be easily misconstrued. E.g., if we really need to work hard this year, it doesn’t mean we weren’t working hard last year.
That sort of thing can take months to sort out and smooth over.
It’s sorta like being a rock star but without the entourage or drugs. So, choose your words like you’re picking out a wine for dinner – deliberate and with an eye on the good stuff.
(2) You don’t have to join every argument you’re invited to.Just because someone – anyone – invites you to a verbal duel doesn’t mean you need to grab your sword and shield.
Engaging in every disagreement is a fool’s errand and knocks your credibility down a peg or two. You’re the leader, not a gladiator, and you can’t be forced to fight.
Gracefully decline most battles – they are simply not worth your time or effort.
(3) Emotions are a Sprint; Logic is a Slow Walker.
Count to ten… let the email sit until the morning… walk away for now… take a deep breath…
All are solid thoughts when considering an emotional response. We usually remember it “just after the nick of time.”
Emotions come to the forefront immediately, while logic takes a slow, deliberate stroll, carefully working its way to our brain.
For example: at our house, we have two dogs. One (Pippa) is a wiry, slim and high-strung animal, the other (Riley) a bit, shall we say, “bigger.” The vet, when we asked about his weight, said, “Well, he is a bit round.”
Riley goes everywhere that Pippa goes, just slower. But he gets there.
Like knee-jerk emotional reactions in leadership that seldom serve us well.
Just wait for logic. It’s coming.
Like the fat dog, it’s coming.
(4) Learn to Delete, Ignore, Smile, and Stare. In the digital age, the temptations are many – that snarky email, that provocative comment. Learn the art of the strategic delete, the power of simply ignoring, even the mystical-but-ever-so-effective smile, blink, and stare.
Delete everything not worth your mental bandwidth. Ignore the idiots. Smile warmly, blink in surprise, followed by the “WTF stare” instead of getting angry.
Your sanity – and credibility – will thank you.
The takeaway: Stay at your level.
Remain calm, choose your battles wisely (and sparingly), and speak with purpose. Be the example, as people are always watching.
Do this well and you might just avoid becoming the next boss meme.
Remember that grace and accountability can coexist.
Ok, so I just threw in the WTF to see if you were paying attention.
Sort of. Maybe. I mean, there is some application here.
So, what’s the answer? Do we absolutely work from home if at all possible? Come fill an office that we are still paying for? Work from Starbucks? From the beach? (this is why the WTF reference isn’t entirely unreasonable)
From my way of thinking, the answer is “yes.”
And “no.”
And mostly, “It depends.”
The real issue is Trust. Employees seem to believe that managers are over-controlling ogres wanting to keep their thumbs on everybody at the office by keeping everyone within eyesight. Bosses apparently believe that Work From Home is a euphemism for work out, do the dishes and walk the dog.
Next come the studies and research, all appropriately biased for their viewing public.
Then, like political ideology, both “sides” dig in their heels. That, sports fans, is the crux of the problem.
The effort here doesn’t have to be this win-lose, zero-sum game of chicken. It really doesn’t.
Let’s have less focus on WHERE work can best be done, and more on HOW work can be done best.
After all, that’s what we all say we want from our respective views on this, right? The best way to get things done for all concerned?
Some tasks seem custom-made for remote or working at home. Solo brain work, research, front-of-computer interactions with little need for collaborative or external discussions…
Others feel like an in-office appearance may be better: innovative brainstorming, real time problem solving with disparate entities, creating the foundation for a collaborating team…
Both can coexist. Instead of slugging it out over which location is better, realize first that a hybrid creation may actually benefit all – managers, employees, even the organization. Work through the issues and challenges professionally, keeping your mind open all the while.
So, focus on hybrid first, as that gives us choices. Then allow the discussion and decisions to follow their logical course to help arrive at location.
The result should be a complete conversation before ever addressing the location.
More on this in future articles (feel free to email me with thoughts/opinions).
I’m a military veteran. USAF. 13 years, 8 months, 13 days. If I was counting.
As such, I frequently read old military books, discourses, and papers to compare corporate leadership today with historical military leadership. The similarities are astounding. A 1941 book published by the Military Service Publishing Company is one such work.
Edited by the staff, it has no specific author, but is a compilation of thoughts, ideas, suggestions and directives from a stream of notable military leaders. Some–just as an example–include the likes of General J.G. Harbord, who began as a private in the Spanish-American war, achieved prominence as General Pershing’s Chief of Staff, and later commanding the USMC’s 2nd Division before assuming the Chairmanship of the RCA Corporation.
Just an example of the caliber of input for this book…
In this book, Chapter II discusses “Orientation.” Of course, it is meant to apply mostly to new officers at a new post or assignment.
Truth is, the advice given there — some 75-odd years ago to junior officers — is as appropriate today for first-time (and/or recently promoted) managers as it is senior-most leadership.
Sections and brief summaries include (apologies in advance for the dated, ubiquitous male gender references – these are quotes, not 2024 sound bites):
Your Brother Officers: “The commissioned officers of the U.S. military are a cross-section of the American Public… as a group, they are subject to the same ambitions, variations in viewpoint, and human frailties as the people they serve.”
This, of course, matches up with our corporate situations today. Managers and leaders have different backgrounds and experiences, bringing different thought processes and judgment. When harnessed for the common good, this is an excellent trait, one we should exploit, not suppress.
Different thinking means more choices. More choices usually mean better decisions. Or, as many would put it–embrace your weirdness.
Performance of Duty: “In the military, the performance of duty to the limit of one’s capacity is a fetish. Striving for perfection is more than a figure of speech… as you demonstrate your capacity for additional responsibility, it will come to you… be not impatient… there is much to learn.”
Wow, is this apropos or what!? The fetish analogy may be a bit much, but… Work hard, smart, and consistent. Do what you say you’ll do. Make well-thought decisions. Those of you who have achieved significant corporate rank: Did you get there through politics, trickery, and slight-of-hand, or was it hard work, diligence, and sacrifice??
This stuff really works.
Get Out or Get in Line (if you don’t read anything else, read this!): “Mind your business. If the concern where you are employed is all wrong, and the Old Man a curmudgeon (I love that word), it may be well for you to go tell the Old Man, confidentially, privately, and quietly, that he is a curmudgeon.
Explain to him that his policy is absurd and preposterous. Then show him how to reform his ways and offer to lead the effort to cleanse the faults.
Do this, or if for any reason you should prefer not, then take your choice of these: Get Out, Or Get In Line.
If you work for a man, in heaven’s name, work for him! Speak well of him, think well of him, stand by him and the institution he represents.
If put to the pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth more than a pound of cleverness.
If you must vilify, condemn, and eternally disparage, why, resign your position and, when on the outside, damn to your heart’s content.”
This quotation is so appropriate in corporate management today that it needs no explanation, segue, or pithy remarks from me. Simply put–work for whomever you work for. Grammatical errors aside, you get my point. Don’t we all get tired of those who work “for” us part of the time, and “against” us the rest?
Bum Phillips, revered Houston Oilers coach, said it best: “Dance with who brung ya.”
Importance of the Word ‘NO’: “As an officer, many questions will come to you for decisions… the choice you make in the mere act of saying “yes,” or “no,” may constitute the measure of your success.
A weak man can say “yes” to troublesome situations, dissipating the efforts of the whole. An unwise man can say “no,” and by mere obstruction, cause the failure of the unit. It takes a happy combination of courage and wisdom to be able to say “no” at the right time and place.”
Simply put, our most significant, regular responsibility–day to day and strategic–is making decisions.
Anyone can make the easy ones… they seldom take forethought, intellect, or wisdom, since they are usually painfully obvious, and accolades are near. No, they pay us for the hard ones. The lonely decisions. The times when we make the “right” decision in the face of dissent and conflict, and where the easier decision is to abide with consensus.
That’s why they pay us the bucks and give us these fancy business cards.
Adaptability: “Adaptability is required. Leadership is a new and different life. He must be equally quick to detect and avoid those things which are abhorrent to military life… the road to recognition and fame may lie ahead. How well and how quickly the opportunities are embraced depends upon the promptness of adapting himself to the new horizons the career provides.”
You can’t always spell out the details of a leadership role in a nice, convenient job description. Our worlds are dynamic, fluctuating, and ever-changing.
We’ve got to know when to “stay the course,” and when to turn on a dime. All the while keeping those looking to us for leadership engaged in our path.
This is what sets us apart.
I only provided these today for two reasons. First, a reminder: Leadership — its theories, concepts, and approaches, really haven’t changed much in a couple thousand years.
Yes, some applications of principles have evolved over time, given our changing workforce, demographics, and societal norms.
The real concepts and basis of leadership, however, remain constant.
And lastly, we can learn a lot from simplicity. Sometimes we make this stuff too hard, when we could get to the same place — maybe even a better place — with approaches that embrace simplicity and ease of thought.
