Several years ago, my sister gave me a copy of Impossible to Please by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender. She said it was for my wife, and the book was about how to deal with the controlling perfectionists in our lives.
She also said I might benefit from an impartial description of — get this — me.
Ouch.
Okay, so I only had two standards: perfect and unacceptable. I acknowledged that there was more than one way to accomplish a task… my way and the wrong way. That didn’t make me a bad person, did it?
It’s not like I imposed my unreasonably high standards on my family or people at work. After all, I’ve always said, “Don’t let perfection get in the way of good enough.” And I talked plenty about building a culture where failures are learning experiences and not short-cuts to the unemployment line and of embracing our own failures as steppingstones on the road to self-improvement. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Other people’s failures, of course.
So what’s the problem with having unreasonably high standards?
The problem is that is makes us damned hard to work for. And guess what, as leaders it’s not about us; it’s about them. We never get the best from people when we bully them — yes, perfectionists bully, even if that’s not their intent.
Perfectionists notice only what’s wrong and not what’s right. But if our feedback style doesn’t include some encouragement about the good while we’re delivering the bad and the ugly, we stop seeing the good at all. And we stop getting the best out of our team.
As an example, it used to be a gold-star day when someone got a report past me without needing some re-work. Did that motivate them to try their best? Only initially, but when they learned their best would never been good enough, they started sending me crap knowing I’d put the effort into polishing the turd. Hardly the practice of a high-performing team.
Perfectionists are inflexible, resistant to change, and stubborn about having it done our way. Nothing wrong with that, since our way is the best, right?
I can assure you that when we aren’t willing to let others do a task less perfectly than we would do it ourselves, we end up pretty much doing everything ourselves anyway. Then we complain about being overworked, underappreciated, and short on the time and energy we need to be spending as leaders.
As my mother would say, “You kinda brought that on yourself, didn’t you?”
With a tip of the hat to Maya Angelou, “…people will never forget how you made them feel.” Perfectionist bosses make others feel like they can’t do anything right. Hardly the legacy I wanted to leave as a leader, but what was I to do? ‘Good enough’ is the last thing I wanted to be remembered as.
Oh, that’s right… it wasn’t about me; it was about them.
The good news: it’s simple to change. The bad news: it’s not that easy to make the change stick.
First, like any good twelve-step program, admit you’re a perfectionist and it’s a problem. And probably a controlling perfectionist at that. Admit that you’re holding others to a standard that you yourself can’t meet, and in the process you’re holding the organization hostage by not letting others be acceptably successful.
The second step simply requires you to reframe success. Is perfection success? Probably. What about excellent? How about fully compliant and on time? What if your email gets the message delivered effectively but is missing a comma? Can you see where I’m going with that?
That’s it. That’s all it took for me. No more mining for Unobtanium.
(Okay, like anyone in recovery, I’m a work in progress.)
Make sure people know what success looks like, and when they get there, let them know it! Set clear and reasonable (achievable) expectations for them — and yourself — and celebrate when they’re met.
That doesn’t mean settling for good enough; by all means, shoot for the stars, make continuous improvements and set audacious goals. Just make sure you’ve effectively communicated what success looks like and be happy when you get there.
I’m watching every member of my immediate family go through a challenging workplace change. For some it’s a change in location, for one it’s a complete coworker migration, and for some it’s an unplanned change of employer.
For all of us it’s been a somewhat stressful time.
In every case, the root cause is the same: they suffer from crappy leadership.
In the Book of Ecclesiastes, King Soloman declares: “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”
So it is with leadership.
I’ve noticed Leadership Development trends go through the same cycles every aspect of business that is hypothesized, analyzed, and reimagined goes through. The Good Idea Fairy comes down and introduces a new way of thinking, doing, and communicating, and a few years later the nay-sayers get their turn to decry the waste of resources trying to do something different.
That could explain why some in senior leadership roles seem to think they’re above leadership development. They don’t participate in the development of others and certainly won’t willingly participate in their own. In both cases, leadership development efforts are wasted.
Nothing new under the sun.
To validate Kevin Berchelmann’s belief (which I share) that nothing much has changed about leadership in the past couple thousand years, I traveled back in time to see what the trends in effective leadership have been in the past. Here’s how some of those who have experienced effective leadership described them to me:
The BEST leaders are “trustworthy approachable, open to feedback, humble, good communicators, willing to help, team players;” they “listen, care, motivate and encourage, build rapport, give recognition, and follow up.”
It naturally follows that the WORST leaders are not… and don’t…
These were not new trends ten years ago, or a hundred years ago, or a thousand years ago. But these are just trends. Leaders do these things (or not), but they aren’t the essence of leading. The workplace will never stop changing, but leaders will always have to deal with human nature.
“Effective leaders take a personal interest in the long-term development of their employees, and they use tact and other social skills to encourage employees to achieve their best. It isn’t about being “nice” or “understanding”—it’s about tapping into individual motivations in the interest of furthering an organizationwide [sic] goal.”
By “recently,” I mean in 1961.
See, once you understand and embrace the belief that a leader’s role is to empower others to be more successful for the benefit of the organization, you can’t unknow it.
If you’re in a leadership position, it doesn’t matter that you were the best project manager, the best lawyer, the best nurse, the best widget maker, hell… even the best consultant in the whole world. It’s not about you anymore; it’s about them.
We have to be concerned about the well-being of our others. If they don’t believe we care, they’re not going to give us their discretionary effort, and we know that stressed out workers are less productive.
We need to have emotionally intelligent leadership skills: compassion, empathy, self-awareness, and effective communication. Contrary to popular belief, EI wasn’t invented by Daniel Goleman in 1995. And these are skills that will atrophy if not used.
We have to work to rebuild trust where it’s damaged or missing. Trust is often called the currency of leadership, and I can only describe the level of trust in many organizations as abysmal. To be trusted, a leader has to have competence, compassion, and integrity, and you have to give it before you get it.
We need to have – and communicate – a vision that keeps up with changes in the market sector and in the workplace. Maybe especially in the workplace, because work is something you do, not somewhere you go. Whether or not we subscribe to hybrid work, DEI (which is dead, by the way), or AI in the workplace, we can’t pretend our workforce isn’t thinking and talking about it.
That may seem like a lot of need to and have to, but no one – not even wise old King Soloman – ever said leading was easy.
If you need a quick check up on how to be the kind of leader Professor Prentice described, Kevin B. recently posted a piece that cuts through all the fluff to make it about them for the benefit of the organization. It’s worth the quick read.
Crappy leadership isn’t new. But it doesn’t have to be part of our future.
A tip of my hat to my sister for this month’s inspiration. I’ll call her Kevina to protect her real identity, but she’s not going to read this anyway.
You might be surprised to know my sister can be quite direct and is unafraid to offer her perspective to those whom she believes could benefit from her wisdom. Especially in the workplace.
Or if you know me, you might not be that surprised.
Those qualities haven’t always endeared her to the boss and her peers. And lately (only the last 45 years or so) there have been some conflicts with some peers, and she’s unhappy with senior leadership’s conflict resolution style. In my humble opinion, there hasn’t been any actual conflict resolution and damn little leadership – if any.
I won’t address her conflict resolution style. We’re working on that.
Conflict resolution isn’t fun, but it is a critical leadership skill. Managers hide behind policies and processes to punish perceived inappropriate behaviors between offended parties, but leaders know that failing to resolve conflicts leads to an increasingly toxic work environment, lower morale, higher attrition, reduced productivity, etc. Unfortunately, most leaders don’t get much practice because they don’t want to… it’s so much easier to let HR deal with personnel issues.
But there’s a simple three-step model we can employ for resolving conflict in the workplace – and everywhere else you live, play, worship, and shop for groceries. It works best when both sides benefit, but you can’t always control the outcome, only the process. Not often easy, but simple.
And it might take more time than you want, but if you’re in a leadership position, nothing is more important than taking the time necessary to create a positive work environment where people feel appreciated doing worthy work. Relationship repair isn’t just for therapists.
First step: take all the time it takes to get the facts and issues on the table. That means you have to talk to people individually and together. Unless, of course, you’re the one who’s involved in the conflict, and then you’re going to have to bite the bullet and talk face-to-face with the other person.
The reason I emphasize all is it’s easy to jump to a conclusion that makes it appear you have a bias. Then you’re a part of the conflict whether you want to be or not.
No one gets their own facts! When we focus on what’s right and not who’s right, we might discover it’s just a communication issue (everyone gets their own perception) and not an actual conflict. From the outside looking in, it’s often easy to see how preconceived notions have contributed to the mess we’re dealing with.
In Kevina’s case, one of the complaints is that she always looks angry when she talks to her cohorts. Kevina claims it’s not her fault she had RBF – Resting Bitch Face. And she was accused of only hugging old women at work; she claims she gives hugs to people who seem to need them out of compassion and old women (like her) seem to need them more than others.
Okay, you get the picture. I could fill your day with stories of how Kevina is always being targeted and accused of inappropriate behavior only to have a perfectly reasonable explanation. This crap could have been stopped years ago, but senior management (not leadership) has only dealt with it individually and secretly, so it continues to fester.
Second step: seek to understand both points of view. And then help those involved in the conflict to understand the other point of view, so they can understand what it is the other person needs out of the resolution. Not what they want, but what they need.
I’m not a therapist, but sometimes it helps to remind people what they can control and what they can’t. They can’t control other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions, or mistakes. They can, however, control how they respond to them (albeit not very well sometimes).
Now’s probably a good time to take a break. Not reading this, but time to think about the third step.
Third step: find a win/win solution. And unless you’re blessed with an intuitive skill that makes you a peacemaker, this is the part of leadership that takes practice. Be hard on the problem, not the person.
It’s not a sign of weakness to talk it over with a trusted third party or an executive coach; it’s an indication that you care enough about the resolution enough to do the best thing – for the people and the company. Like I said, leaders typically don’t like to get into the conflict resolution arena, so the skills don’t get honed as often as they probably should.
Resolutions don’t have to be a zero-sum exchange or a give-and-take. See them as a positive-sum exchange where both sides benefit by getting what they need.
That’s it: get all the facts and issues on the table, seek to understand both points of view, and find a win/win solution. I told you it was simple.
And please, don’t hide from the conflict like Kevina’s leadership has. I can only predict that someone is going to be out of a job before this is all over.
Sound familiar? It should. That short conversation takes place millions of times every day across this country in the workplace, in stores, in the kitchen, between co-workers, bosses and employees, spouses, and parents and their children – basically everywhere.
And it’s not going to be any different in 2024.
Since this newsletter is about leadership, let’s start in the workplace. As leaders, we certainly don’t expect our employees to know everything; yet because many of them think and feel like we do, they’re hesitant to ask questions. And then we get frustrated with team members who wait until the last minute to ask for help – or don’t ask for help at all – and things go to hell in a handbasket.
Ever considered that your boss feels the same way when you don’t ask for help? They do!
Okay, I hear you. You don’t need help. All I can ask is that you keep this in mind next time you get frustrated at someone who won’t ask for help.
So, why is it so dammed hard to ask for help? Easy… we have egos.
Successful people are helpers, not helpless, right? We think asking for help makes us look weak, undermining our credibility as a (insert self-description here). We may think that, but it’s not true! Pretending we don’t need help when it’s obvious that we do is what undermines our credibility.
You’re not a failure if you ask for help. You fail when you need it and don’t ask for it – and the consequences create a crisis. Self-reliance can be both a strength and a self-limiting weakness. Especially at senior levels. We develop this huge blind spot about letting someone else lighten our load.
Well, here’s a hint on what your first clue should be that you need help:
Someone says, “Can I do something to help?”
They obviously see something we don’t.
How about in 2024 we start building a culture where our people aren’t intimidated to ask for help by helping them understand the “when” and “how” to ask for it. I’ve heard it said that there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but I know better… I’ve heard some.
Let’s start with when. Here are five good reasons to ask for help:
When you don’t know – you encounter a new process, new situation, new technology, new project, etc. Again, the world doesn’t expect you to know everything.
When deadlines are in danger – someone else is usually depending on you to complete your part of the project or process on time; don’t disappoint them.
When you don’t understand what’s expected – when you accept an expectation, you own it. Sometimes you have to gain clarity afterwards on just exactly what is being asked of you.
When you’re curious – not in a judgmental way, but actually trying to learn why things are done in a certain way, where what you do fits into the larger effort, or when you don’t understand a decision. WARNING: watch your tone of voice when you ask.
When you see an opportunity to develop someone – asking your team to help when you’re overwhelmed (or when you’re not) is an opportunity for you to practice empowerment and for them to grow in the organization.
Great! We’re almost there. Now that your team knows how to ask you for help, here are some tips for how to ask without sounding incompetent:
Make sure you need it – you have to have explored the possibilities before your boss offers a simple solution. It’ll help if you start the discussion with “I tried…”
Bring solutions, not problems – I wish I had a dollar for every time my daughters heard me say that. You need to be able to say “Here are the options I see…”
Be S-M-A-R-T – ask for the help you need, or you’ll get more help than you want. Make your request for assistance specific, meaningful, actionable, realistic and time-bound.
Don’t be a martyr – just because you wait until the last minute doesn’t mean it’ll only take a minute. The last thing you want to hear from your boss is “Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”
I know, you didn’t ask for my help, and you don’t need it. That doesn’t surprise me. Almost everyone I talk to says they don’t have a problem asking for help… and almost everyone does.
From work, I mean. I may have a dark sense of humor, but I’m not morbid.
No, my guess is you’re going on vacation in the next two months and not much thought has been given about who’s going to get your job done while you’re not there.
How do I know? It’s the end of October and the holiday season is upon us. Full of cheer and distracted employees, struggling to meet end-of-year performance targets, trying to assure the family that this year will be different and you won’t “have to take this” phone call, and maybe planning to sneak away for some well-deserved out-of-town celebration.
Good luck with that.
No really, I’m in a position that few can make demands on my time that I don’t allow (or enable), and even I get a little anxious about the upcoming craziness.
Okay, enough. This has nothing to do with your holiday plans and everything to do with how things run at the office when you’re away. Good leaders don’t just put their vacation plans on the office calendar and then go away assuming it’ll all be waiting for them when they get back.
True confessions: I used to… but I wasn’t a good leader back then.
Then, I got some sage advice from – of all places – a career civilian who ostensibly came to the Pentagon to do work… he wasn’t a good leader, either. He said, “Never take just a week off; they’ll just pile stuff on your desk until you come back. Take two weeks; then someone will actually have to do something with that stuff.”
Isn’t that great?!? Someone will have to do something with that stuff. As if what we do is summed up by stuff that someonehas to do something with.
I prefer to think differently, but maybe that’s just me. I prefer to think that a leader’s role involves activities and people, engagements we want to have and functions we directly support that are critical to the success of the organization.
If that’s not true for you, maybe you can spend some of your vacation time thinking about the something that someone may or may not be doing while you’re gone.
That feels like a lot of prelude before the big event, but it’s important that we’re on the same page of the same hymnal. Effective leaders have to think differently about what they intentionally do at work and who will stand in the breach for us when we’re not there.
Here’s a newsflash for those who think they’re indispensable to the organization and it’s likely to crumble without them: you’re not, and it’s not.
Surprisingly enough, surprises happen, and it sucks if you haven’t planned for them in advance.
Here’s one. My wife tripped over her dog and broke her kneecap. Immediately away from the office for three months. Shit happens – to our kids, parents, and spouses – that takes us away from the office longer than we’ve prepared for.
Get prepared!
The real test of a good leader is that no one really notices when you’re not around… within limits, of course. Leaders should already be preparing those who will come after them to step up while they’re away, and they should have already made the upper echelon know who’s capable of handling tasks in their absence.
If that’s news to you, you must be new here. Read this about preparing those behind you to lead.
This also shouldn’t be news, but there are three cohorts to think about:
Your Boss. Don’t we all wish our bosses appreciated how much we do? Well, here’s your chance. In your planned (or unplanned as the case may be) absence, lay out who will be covering each aspect of your responsibilities while you’re gone. And that includes your boss.
Some (mostly administrative) parts of our jobs can’t be accomplished by a member of our team. Make sure the boss knows which ones those are and what to expect to come across his or her desk in our absence.
The Team. You should have already empowered team members to do as much as you’re willing to let them do / as much as they’re capable of doing / as much as they’re willing to do. (Again, if you’re new here, read this about empowerment next.) So you already know who can do what.
It’s important critical to let the rest of the Team know who will be picking up which pieces and setting expectations about where to go for guidance outside their area of expertise. This may require setting a matrixed pecking order that not everyone will like. Wah!
Outside Customers. The obvious customers are the ones we deal with about business on a regular basis. Let them know before you go who to contact for questions.
The less obvious ones are the family and friends we’re spending our time with away from work. Having already communicated our lack of availability to our boss and staff, make sure those we’re spending our leisure time with know we’ll only respond to true work emergencies – which there should never be in our absence – and then hold the line.
Never underestimate the importance of disconnecting from your profession. Leaders draw strength to lead from deep within, and if you don’t refresh and recharge your source, you will fall short of being the kind of leader you want to be.
Or don’t. Take a week off and enjoy the holidays. We’ll see you back here still burned out after the first of the year.
