Conflict Happens. Or, at least it should. All too often we come across organizations that are dysfunctional not because of conflict, but because everyone is afraid of it. Let me start by saying that if that sounds like your organization, stop NOT fighting, arguing, disagreeing and instead, understand that you are likely running from the solution you seek, or the next product iteration that will shoot you out in front of your closest competitor. Conflict as uncomfortable as it is, is where we make our best decisions and get our best collaboration.
If you claim that you are leading your organization, then know that being a leader is not about IF you will deal conflict but HOW. In fact, few other skills (managing conflict) will shape a person’s career as distinctly as the ability to deal with conflict.
There are literally thousands of books, articles, theories, etc. that are devoted to dealing with conflict. I want to start by making sure you know that your first job as a leader is to make sure that there is conflict, the healthy kind!
At its most basic level, conflict goes hand-in-hand with leadership because leadership often involves challenging people to do what they don’t want to do or see what they simply don’t want to see. Achieving results typically involves moving people out of their comfort zones, making tough decisions that others, might not agree with, and taking actions that create real strife within the organization. Leadership is knowing and helping others see that conflict in those situations is to be embraced rather than avoided and then helping guide them in how to do exactly that.
So how exactly do you embrace and use conflict for successful outcomes? It’s actually pretty simple, but again, not necessarily easy…
1. Don’t take it personally, even if it is! – If you take it personally, it becomes personal and the definition of success changes to winning rather than for the best and right outcome.
2. Shut up and listen – most dysfunctional conflict occurs because we speak to be understood rather than listening to understand. Collaboration requires conflict, but it also requires being open enough to listen.
3. Make sure that elephants can’t hide – if there are elephants in the room, they can and often inhibit the conflict process because people are afraid of getting squashed. While I am not an advocate for animal cruelty, just know that success requires that we slice up the elephant as part of dealing with it. When people are willing to embrace the elephant and do what is necessary, we find that the end the elephants aren’t as imposing as they seem.
4. Focus on the end, not the means – using conflict successfully requires first and foremost that agreement on the desired end is in place. The conflict around means (the how) is important, but not nearly as important as the “what.”
5. Don’t let wall flowers grow – most people dislike conflict and will step back and allow others to take the spotlight and the heat that goes with it. The key with successful conflict and collaboration is that everyone is involved. To ensure that occurs we have to make sure that the environment is ripe for participation (not just given lip service) and that people are constantly invited to participate–not as an after-thought!
6. Remember NASA – while most of us don’t or won’t make decisions that put others at physical risk, the learnings from NASA’s worst disaster can be traced back to fear of conflict and the unconscious rationalizations that our brains seek to justify our inactions. The Challenger disaster could have been prevented, a number of the engineers knew of the risk but the fear of conflict (raising an unpopular thing–risk) prevented the scientists and engineers from speaking up. How often does that happen in our organizations? My bet is, more than we know.
Now you heard me use the word collaboration several times in my note so far, I want to go on record right now and say that collaboration in my mind is NOT what most think it is. Collaboration is not easy, it’s also not an amateur sport. For many, the word collaboration conjures up thoughts of people in a room full of smiles and speaking nicely to each other as they all work to the “ultimate” outcome. While I am sure that might happen somewhere, it is not something I have witnessed personally. Collaboration can be gut wrenchingly uncomfortable, it requires work and energy, and most of all, time. The outcomes however are usually worth all that goes into the process. Remember, however, that how you choose to engage in conflict is a choice. Not every situation requires collaboration, but all are guaranteed to provide at least some level of discomfort.
Leaders are responsible for generating real results, both in the short and long-term. That charge requires being comfortable being uncomfortable because the two are often at odds with each other. It is in that discomfort that a leader can shine as they lead others through seemingly impossible decisions that can bring out the worst in us all.
So how comfortable are you with being uncomfortable? Do you run or avoid dealing with the conflict on your team? Do you allow conflict to stall your team or even your decisions? If so, then pull up your big boy or girl britches and get comfortable being uncomfortable then watch the successes happen.
