Emotional Intelligence is the understanding of human emotions–once you understand your own emotions, you can better understand the emotions of other people. Emotional Maturity, on the other hand, is attained when a person has developed Emotional Intelligence and has decided to use it to better relate to others. More simply put, Emotional Intelligence is the understanding of emotions; Emotional Maturity is the application of that knowledge.
So I ask, which one should we be working toward?
Assuming I know your answer, we than have to ask, how do we help our leaders develop Emotional Maturity? Here are five steps think through when leaders find themselves facing a critical situation.
- Clearly envision the outcome we want. Ask yourself: What do you really want? What is most important to you? Being clear about our vision or the outcome we want can give us the motivation or incentive to make good choices when in those key moments. It’s easy to follow the path of least resistance or act out negative emotions. But, if we’ve thought about what we want–if we have a clear vision of the outcomes we desire for ourselves and others–then it becomes easier to delay immediate gratification and exercise the discipline to make a better choice. A clear vision helps us to be ruled by something other than impulse and circumstance.
- Embrace reality (and remember we don’t always get to define it). Reality is what it is, and it exists independently of our opinions about it. Embrace it. Work to understand and accept it for what it is. I’m not saying we can’t change some realities – some we can, some we can’t – but at this moment (which is the only moment that is real), what is, is. To be happy and effective, we must acknowledge and respect rather than fight against the realities of our lives.
Denying, avoiding, complaining, or refusing to think about uncomfortable realities we have no control over gives those very things incredible power over our lives. By taking ownership of what we do have control over, we equip ourselves to change it. Simply put, we have to focus on what we have control over.
- Be fully present with yourself. We can’t choose better responses in our key moments if we’re not paying attention. We have to become fully conscious of what is happening both within and around us. If we’re not alert and aware, we’re likely to slip into old habits and reacting negatively. Being present doesn’t necessarily make responding easy, but it does give us an opportunity to be purposeful with our words and actions and reduce the likelihood that we end up a victim of ourselves. Being present is the gateway to being more emotionally mature.
- Take and exercise responsibility. Responsibility has to do with the choices we make about how to think, feel and act about our situation. Our success depends on our ability to make choices consistent with our best long-term self-interest despite what happens to us. Our experiences and the results we get in life are influenced, but not determined, by circumstances, events, and other people. Between an event and our response is a moment, however brief, when we decide either to surrender control and react automatically or to consider responses more in alignment with our long-term self-interest.
Emotionally immature individuals go through life blaming their problems on other people, their situation, or circumstances beyond their control. They rarely look inwardly for the source of their anger, sadness and depression, but instead blame others. Instead of assuming responsibility for how they feel, emotionally immature people try to control others by expecting them to agree with the “I’m the victim here” points of view.
Consider some of those key moments in your life. What choices did you make? What were the consequences? What other choices might you have made? How might they have led to a different outcome?
- Be consistent with ourselves. This is where the rubber meets the road. No excuses and no whining. Acting from internal consistency is aligning what we say and do with what we really want, where our actions are consistent with our vision. It is living by commitment rather than ease, discipline rather than convenience. Without this consistency, we will not make our way into the world of emotional maturity.
So, knowing what you now know, how would you rate your Emotional Maturity? If you had to give much thought about how to answer that, you probably still don’t get it. If you considered getting feedback from someone else, I’d say you’re well on your way.
Like most other things about leadership, being emotionally mature is fairly simple, just not easy!
